it was all between the lines

yeah. so it was weird talking to mary today about drugs.
and then going over to chucks house. totally unrelated but related at the same time.
mary is probably having a hard time. 2 years sober. wanting a glass of wine.
wishing she was skinny again. knowing that now that she has a son, drugs are
even more not an option. but i think in some ways she wishes she could go back.
because at least then they were together. and they didnt worry about money. and
i am sure they had fun from time to time. at least in the beginning.
i dont know how long she did the drugs. but when i told her i was on meth for one
year she seemed to think that wasn't very long. i told her about the hospital.
about losing my mind. she told me some things about her.
then therapy. talked alot about anna. i've gone over it so many times. not sure what the next step is. flashback to when we didn't talk and the possibility of the friendship being over was very real. my way of coping. ignore. push away. avoid confrontation at all costs. for what? because i dont want to feel bad? i think i make myself feel worse than anyone else could. poisoning myself with drugs and people who keep me down. i did the drugs i choose the people. you get what you want and the evidence points to the fact that i must want to feel bad. for what? so i dont ever feel good. even the instant gratification leads to feeling guilty.
dr panish said it's not so important to confront everyone personally, but to change the way you look at things.