dragging myself out of the house, making every effort to remember that i'm alive. a blur of wet and muddy bike rides on unlit roads in the middle of the night, cigarette breaks out by the airport, awkward naps on bumpy plane rides. being confronted with the evidence of my island life, surgically removing the offending brain cells and moving forward. seeing the romance in desolation and wasted time, feeling the allure of endless avoidance. fleeing the empty house as soon as possible, dreading the cold return and already planning which music to use to fill up the silence.
BUT THEN I REMEMBER THE VAULT RED BLITZ IN THE FRIDGE AND THE NEW SWEATSHIRT, AND ALL IS WELL. maybe i'll go to some sort of a store, throw some money away, watch a movie. take the garbage out, pay some bills, pull myself together.
at least i have a husband.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Sunday, December 16, 2007
what does 'snarky' mean?
Well i dont know any divorce lawyers and since you had the marriage thing worked out so brilliantly, i am sure the divorce will also be a breeze for you.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
faded names on bruised knuckles
crispy old music to drown out the always-on furnace. i don't even LIKE this band. scary new bike to tempt fate, kill the world's concerns. dissatisfaction is yesterday's headline; we've moved on. today everything is bright and shiny, money is hated and disposable, the cold is welcome, and the bracelets have multiplied. food is for peasants and sleep is for me. once you've got AA batteries and rubber boots, what more is there?
i thought that i saw you try
silly girl. dont put so much effort into being mad at her. when maintenance leaves i will get you a xanax. i decided to stop being mean or mad ever. thats why steve and i fight. everything will be good she doesnt matter much in the grand scheme of things.
2 weeks paid vacation wont heal the damage done
took a break from my life tonight. needed distance. feel better now.
other people have the best advice
all seems kinda stupid to me. you're not even with him. you don't like him so really why should you give a fuck. just tell him....get to filing.
Friday, December 14, 2007
grasping
philly didn't offer anything until he was asked. after that it was all out in the open.
whatever you want baby. whatever you want.
i'm the man next to the man. right next to the man.
you couldn't really tell how much coke he was doing.
only if you saw him shortly after a trip to the bathroom. only then if you were
paying attention you might see him touch his nose a few times.
whatever you want baby. whatever you want.
i'm the man next to the man. right next to the man.
you couldn't really tell how much coke he was doing.
only if you saw him shortly after a trip to the bathroom. only then if you were
paying attention you might see him touch his nose a few times.
it breaks
Whatever. Kind of annoyed. Very annoyed? Maybe.
Get over it. Anxiety over the house. Anxiety over relationships, or lack of relationships.
Anxiety over the unknown. Is it better to not even bother with such things?
I am beginning to think so. Don’t push things any further, however innocent it might seem at the time. Don’t get caught up in the moment, and don’t hang on to things.
When you know the period is coming at the end of a sentence, right? Just fucking stop.
I am doing better these days, but not quite there yet. Especially when it comes to attachment issues with other people. Let it go.
Was I looking out for myself? To some degree I was, but not as much as I should.
Stick to the master plan, if I have a not so good feeling about something just say no.
If a situation seems sketchy I must remove myself from it. It’s okay to be intrigued but don’t take it to the next level. Listen to the voice saying this isn’t the best idea for me right now, I am only doing this to please someone else. Only doing what I am doing because it’s someone else’s plan. Just because someone else is okay with something doesn’t mean that I have to go along with it.
If I can recognize disaster before things build up then I have to disassociate myself from it. Things don’t just end up terrible and unmanageable. They get that way over some time, over a series of decisions. Then you are crying, freaking out, feeling really shitty.
I really believe there is a way to prevent all of that. Damage control. Attracted to someone who is bad for you? That’s okay, just don’t get super involved. Walk away.
Easier said than done. How do you stop caring? You have to start caring about yourself enough to do what is healthy for you. Again, don’t do things because it’s what someone else wants. Maybe when you start caring about yourself you can stop caring so much about other people. Other people who are not thinking about what is best for you.
Abowitz is a perfect example. A lot of the self destructive things I have done began with him asking me to hang out with the team. And a lot of the things I have been very upset over were things that he had a hand in. Things that perhaps would not have happened if he truly cared (or knew how to care) about me.
Realize/recognize when other people don’t know or aren’t thinking about my health. Then step in and make the healthy decision. Don’t leave it up to people who cannot do it.
It’s like handing over the keys to someone who can’t drive, and asking them to take you somewhere. It might be a bumpy road. You might not get there. You might end up somewhere that you had no intention of going. You’re stuck with the original problem of needing to get to the original destination, only now it’s even harder. Drive your own car.
Get your own directions, print your own map from mapquest. Put gas in the car and be as prepared as possible. And if you need help, ask someone who knows how to drive.
Remember this. Make your own decisions as though no one else were involved. What would you do if it was up to you and only you? What is in your power and what isn’t?
You aren’t going to control other people. You can’t make someone like you. Like yourself.
Get over it. Anxiety over the house. Anxiety over relationships, or lack of relationships.
Anxiety over the unknown. Is it better to not even bother with such things?
I am beginning to think so. Don’t push things any further, however innocent it might seem at the time. Don’t get caught up in the moment, and don’t hang on to things.
When you know the period is coming at the end of a sentence, right? Just fucking stop.
I am doing better these days, but not quite there yet. Especially when it comes to attachment issues with other people. Let it go.
Was I looking out for myself? To some degree I was, but not as much as I should.
Stick to the master plan, if I have a not so good feeling about something just say no.
If a situation seems sketchy I must remove myself from it. It’s okay to be intrigued but don’t take it to the next level. Listen to the voice saying this isn’t the best idea for me right now, I am only doing this to please someone else. Only doing what I am doing because it’s someone else’s plan. Just because someone else is okay with something doesn’t mean that I have to go along with it.
If I can recognize disaster before things build up then I have to disassociate myself from it. Things don’t just end up terrible and unmanageable. They get that way over some time, over a series of decisions. Then you are crying, freaking out, feeling really shitty.
I really believe there is a way to prevent all of that. Damage control. Attracted to someone who is bad for you? That’s okay, just don’t get super involved. Walk away.
Easier said than done. How do you stop caring? You have to start caring about yourself enough to do what is healthy for you. Again, don’t do things because it’s what someone else wants. Maybe when you start caring about yourself you can stop caring so much about other people. Other people who are not thinking about what is best for you.
Abowitz is a perfect example. A lot of the self destructive things I have done began with him asking me to hang out with the team. And a lot of the things I have been very upset over were things that he had a hand in. Things that perhaps would not have happened if he truly cared (or knew how to care) about me.
Realize/recognize when other people don’t know or aren’t thinking about my health. Then step in and make the healthy decision. Don’t leave it up to people who cannot do it.
It’s like handing over the keys to someone who can’t drive, and asking them to take you somewhere. It might be a bumpy road. You might not get there. You might end up somewhere that you had no intention of going. You’re stuck with the original problem of needing to get to the original destination, only now it’s even harder. Drive your own car.
Get your own directions, print your own map from mapquest. Put gas in the car and be as prepared as possible. And if you need help, ask someone who knows how to drive.
Remember this. Make your own decisions as though no one else were involved. What would you do if it was up to you and only you? What is in your power and what isn’t?
You aren’t going to control other people. You can’t make someone like you. Like yourself.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
it was all between the lines
yeah. so it was weird talking to mary today about drugs.
and then going over to chucks house. totally unrelated but related at the same time.
mary is probably having a hard time. 2 years sober. wanting a glass of wine.
wishing she was skinny again. knowing that now that she has a son, drugs are
even more not an option. but i think in some ways she wishes she could go back.
because at least then they were together. and they didnt worry about money. and
i am sure they had fun from time to time. at least in the beginning.
i dont know how long she did the drugs. but when i told her i was on meth for one
year she seemed to think that wasn't very long. i told her about the hospital.
about losing my mind. she told me some things about her.
then therapy. talked alot about anna. i've gone over it so many times. not sure what the next step is. flashback to when we didn't talk and the possibility of the friendship being over was very real. my way of coping. ignore. push away. avoid confrontation at all costs. for what? because i dont want to feel bad? i think i make myself feel worse than anyone else could. poisoning myself with drugs and people who keep me down. i did the drugs i choose the people. you get what you want and the evidence points to the fact that i must want to feel bad. for what? so i dont ever feel good. even the instant gratification leads to feeling guilty.
dr panish said it's not so important to confront everyone personally, but to change the way you look at things.
and then going over to chucks house. totally unrelated but related at the same time.
mary is probably having a hard time. 2 years sober. wanting a glass of wine.
wishing she was skinny again. knowing that now that she has a son, drugs are
even more not an option. but i think in some ways she wishes she could go back.
because at least then they were together. and they didnt worry about money. and
i am sure they had fun from time to time. at least in the beginning.
i dont know how long she did the drugs. but when i told her i was on meth for one
year she seemed to think that wasn't very long. i told her about the hospital.
about losing my mind. she told me some things about her.
then therapy. talked alot about anna. i've gone over it so many times. not sure what the next step is. flashback to when we didn't talk and the possibility of the friendship being over was very real. my way of coping. ignore. push away. avoid confrontation at all costs. for what? because i dont want to feel bad? i think i make myself feel worse than anyone else could. poisoning myself with drugs and people who keep me down. i did the drugs i choose the people. you get what you want and the evidence points to the fact that i must want to feel bad. for what? so i dont ever feel good. even the instant gratification leads to feeling guilty.
dr panish said it's not so important to confront everyone personally, but to change the way you look at things.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Saturday, December 8, 2007
you just got tired
who are we talking about today?cant we go to jail for that?what happened?that guy in the rented corvette is addicted to cortisone injectionsthat douchebag drinking with his douchebag friends says he loves you, but what he really loves is what he is doing to you. how you make him feel, not who you are.so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts....amazing? not enough for us. let's tell everyone to get fucked and drive my beetle to omaha with the flower you gave me from your old beetle that david won for you at a fair? in another world....and you gave it to me after you glued fake eyelashes on me and we smoked parliaments.i dont think things can ever be that way again. immaculate? perhaps.* candy and cigarettes *
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
months ago, but the past always matters
a sense of betrayal? perhaps. to more than one person. and i think i felt right today in a different way than the usual. there wasn't much anger, not the normal need to be thought of as good. instead it was more like 'that sucks he doesn't see things my way. 'and the usual dwelling on it. but not a bad feeling in my gut telling me i am wrong, i am bad, i wish i was different. the word draining comes to mind, like the nirvana song. it is my duty now to completely drain you.i could have invited him back here with me. but i didn't. overexposure can be bad. on another note, something came in the mail today from Mom. a newspaper clipping, with a letter randomly stating that she washaving a hard time composing something for a high school teacher's memorial message board at a funeral home website. she said , and i quote, 'i am not sure what tone to take'. very telling. very bizarre.
in sepia?
there was an exact moment when i became positive that i would never be getting married to the doctor."do you want any of this coke? i saved you some," I said to him from where i was sitting at the desk in our hotel room. he was laying on the bed, mouth slightly open, staring at whatever football game was on ESPN. the look on his face resembeled one of a retarded child. after a few seconds he turned look at me as i sat there holding a rolled up hundred peso note in one hand and my wells fargo credit card in the other."no lizzie, i bought that for you." he flashed aquick, sickly fake smile and turned his attention backtowards the TV. I snorted another line and grabbed my portable cdplayer from walmart. i sat outside on the balcony in cabo san lucas watching the mist blow by through the humid air.i listened to bob dylan on repeat and began writing this story in my head .about looking up from that desk after snorting those lines of coke and watching him watch the TV. about the moment when all the doubt went away, and i knew it wasn't going to work out. it took me 3 years to sit down and type it out.
dear john
maybe it was always my world? i thought you wanted a key, a ring. something to let you in....come to my party..i want to be the girl with the most cake. Non conformists are best watched in movies.....pe0ple like jesse and i (not you), know what its like to have nothing to lose. literally.....quoting bob. do u want 2 make a deal? the most beautiful woman who e er crawled across cut glass to make a deal? *****they never know what i am talking about....you dont get it
who among them could they get to marry you?
remember never settle? dont conform. do what you want we are flawed if we are not free? everything mundane can and will get fucked...i didnt stop. i was never done being retarded and never will be. we live once so fuck it lets get out of our boxes.....except i never had one, jesse never had one....being pushed out into that darkness wasnt an option, an adventure, it was our world****and u dabble in the uncomfortable but at the end of the day its better in front of the TV.....
who one day just had to go
do not get f%cked....thats not nice. just close your eyes and sleep. snoring regularly but not super loud. and you dont have a clue - nirvana ****he's the one who likes 2 sing along but he dont know what it means.....perhaps u are normal mundane and okay with boring shit. experiment failed....requires less brain activity 2 settle....
your magazine husband
No comment. Don't get f*cked. I am so nice. Do u feel bad? The same end result, so why did u bother? i know more than you think i do. debating? procrastinating? thats a better word. u dont know what to do. how to handle this incident. probably the most mind boggling thing thats happened since u moved to LA......
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