you just got tired

who are we talking about today?cant we go to jail for that?what happened?that guy in the rented corvette is addicted to cortisone injectionsthat douchebag drinking with his douchebag friends says he loves you, but what he really loves is what he is doing to you. how you make him feel, not who you are.so you found a girl who thinks really deep thoughts....amazing? not enough for us. let's tell everyone to get fucked and drive my beetle to omaha with the flower you gave me from your old beetle that david won for you at a fair? in another world....and you gave it to me after you glued fake eyelashes on me and we smoked parliaments.i dont think things can ever be that way again. immaculate? perhaps.* candy and cigarettes *

months ago, but the past always matters

a sense of betrayal? perhaps. to more than one person. and i think i felt right today in a different way than the usual. there wasn't much anger, not the normal need to be thought of as good. instead it was more like 'that sucks he doesn't see things my way. 'and the usual dwelling on it. but not a bad feeling in my gut telling me i am wrong, i am bad, i wish i was different. the word draining comes to mind, like the nirvana song. it is my duty now to completely drain you.i could have invited him back here with me. but i didn't. overexposure can be bad. on another note, something came in the mail today from Mom. a newspaper clipping, with a letter randomly stating that she washaving a hard time composing something for a high school teacher's memorial message board at a funeral home website. she said , and i quote, 'i am not sure what tone to take'. very telling. very bizarre.

in sepia?

there was an exact moment when i became positive that i would never be getting married to the doctor."do you want any of this coke? i saved you some," I said to him from where i was sitting at the desk in our hotel room. he was laying on the bed, mouth slightly open, staring at whatever football game was on ESPN. the look on his face resembeled one of a retarded child. after a few seconds he turned look at me as i sat there holding a rolled up hundred peso note in one hand and my wells fargo credit card in the other."no lizzie, i bought that for you." he flashed aquick, sickly fake smile and turned his attention backtowards the TV. I snorted another line and grabbed my portable cdplayer from walmart. i sat outside on the balcony in cabo san lucas watching the mist blow by through the humid air.i listened to bob dylan on repeat and began writing this story in my head .about looking up from that desk after snorting those lines of coke and watching him watch the TV. about the moment when all the doubt went away, and i knew it wasn't going to work out. it took me 3 years to sit down and type it out.

dear john

maybe it was always my world? i thought you wanted a key, a ring. something to let you in....come to my party..i want to be the girl with the most cake. Non conformists are best watched in movies.....pe0ple like jesse and i (not you), know what its like to have nothing to lose. literally.....quoting bob. do u want 2 make a deal? the most beautiful woman who e er crawled across cut glass to make a deal? *****they never know what i am talking about....you dont get it

who among them could they get to marry you?

remember never settle? dont conform. do what you want we are flawed if we are not free? everything mundane can and will get fucked...i didnt stop. i was never done being retarded and never will be. we live once so fuck it lets get out of our boxes.....except i never had one, jesse never had one....being pushed out into that darkness wasnt an option, an adventure, it was our world****and u dabble in the uncomfortable but at the end of the day its better in front of the TV.....

who one day just had to go

do not get f%cked....thats not nice. just close your eyes and sleep. snoring regularly but not super loud. and you dont have a clue - nirvana ****he's the one who likes 2 sing along but he dont know what it means.....perhaps u are normal mundane and okay with boring shit. experiment failed....requires less brain activity 2 settle....

your magazine husband

No comment. Don't get f*cked. I am so nice. Do u feel bad? The same end result, so why did u bother? i know more than you think i do. debating? procrastinating? thats a better word. u dont know what to do. how to handle this incident. probably the most mind boggling thing thats happened since u moved to LA......